To know yourself, you have to have the curiosity to ask quality questions that show you what you are not seeing about your life. Let’s look at this process of questioning through the lens of polarity.
There is nothing in this universe that does not have one side without the other. There is no one-sided person. There is not kind without cruel, pleasure without pain, positive without negative. Similar to a coin that has both sides, everything in this life comes with its opposite. When you perceive anything you have to categorize what you perceive in your brain as either a positive or a negative in order to make sense of it. For example, you see Sara and Sara really supports your value system. She is nice, kind, funny, intelligent and pretty. You put Sara in the, ‘I like her’ category. When you see her you light up and immediately want to go toward her and see how she is doing. Now let’s look at your relationship with Jake. Jake challenges your value system. You perceive him to be rude, insensitive, opinionated, and you two just do not see eye-to-eye on anything. Jake goes into the, ‘I hate him’ category. When you see him your throat tightens up, you immediately go in the opposite direction and cannot wait to get as far away from him as possible. Jake clearly challenges your value system.
Once you sum something up as positive or negative you then systematically cut out the other side of that event. Since you summed up Sara as kind, sweet, funny and pretty this is all you see about Sara. However, Sara has a cruel side, a sourpuss side, and an ugly side. You have not seen her when she wakes up in the morning; hair a mess, puffy eyes, bad breath . . . you get my drift. Since you summed up Jake as a jerk who is rude, insensitive and opinionated you do not see that Jake has another side to him. Jake is also polite, sensitive and open to discussion and exhibits these traits in his life.
If you see it as positive, you systematically cut out the negative side of the event. If you see it as negative, you systematically cut out the positive side of the event. By doing this, and every human on the planet does, you are not seeing the event as a whole event but as a partial event and the power of that event as it played out is shrouded to you until you mine for the other side. Being that this is the way we perceive, there is a whole other side to your life just waiting to be discovered exactly as you have lived it! You just have to ask the questions that unlock the answers hiding there.
This one-sided way of perceiving life creates amazingly patterned and repetitive lives that cause great strife and anxiety. They are patterned because you are stuck in a one-sided story of your life (one-sided perceptions) that you then live in. For example, “My mom is an alcoholic bitch; my boss is nightmare; I am too fat; I am stupid; my partner is cheating on me; life hasn’t given me what I deserve; etc.” Living in these one-sided stories, you are like a leaf spinning in an eddy: You revolve round and round only to eventually get sucked down into that very eddy and lost. In this way you become sucked down into your half-baked notions of yourself.
So how do you ask the quality questions that will help you see the magnificence of your life exactly as it has been lived?
I am going to focus on the negative side of events and perceptions in this article but these questions can be applied to the overly positive/fantasy/infatuated paradigm that everyone also suffers from as well. Everyone has their own positive and negative paradigm that forms the story of their lives.
As a counselor specializing in human behavior and psychotherapy, I take any perceived negative event of my client’s life: Most particularly, the most negatively charged events in the client’s life. For example, I have a client who perceived his boyfriend as pulling away from him and his ultimate fear was that his boyfriend was going to leave him. If this fear were not dealt with my client could behave in an unconscious way to actually drive his boyfriend away from him. This therapy is about making the unconscious conscious, so that these lopsided stories can be seen and worked with.
In this work I always want to ask the question that will turn the client 180 degrees in the opposite direction, in this case, turning him toward his fear. To do this I asked him: “What are the benefits to you when you perceive your boyfriend to be pulling away, eventually leaving you?”
The immediate reaction of most people is that there are no benefits whatsoever. Knowing that there is nothing that does not have it’s opposite, I can conclude that his fear has an equal and opposite amount of benefits or learning for him. I just have to ask the right questions to unlock those answers and I have to be patient but persistent.
Because there is an equal and opposite number of benefits to my client’s perceived fear, I have to ask him the above question as many times as it takes for him to feel neutral and even gratitude for what his fear is teaching him. In other words, add weight to the positive side in order to lift the negative perception of his boyfriend cheating on him out of the pit, thus neutralizing the perception. Like a weight scale, adding just enough positive benefits will lift the negative perception out of the pit and balance it. Once it is balanced, the negative charge that drove my client into my office is no longer there and therefore, no longer a problem. And everything my client learned can now be put into a healthy and balanced conversation he can now have with his boyfriend.
If you would like to experience this therapy and counseling process, please personally contact me:
MA Body Psychotherapist / Demartini Method Consultant
3003 E. 3rd Ave, Suite B101
Denver, CO 80206
“I would like to thank Will for introducing myself to this new profound therapy. It has truly brought a newfound sense of balance to my life and has given me a fresh start with my relationships. I also see myself in a different light, and now thoroughly believe that my future is a bright one. I look forward to the continuation of this work and will definitely keep my ear to the ground as far as other potential clients. Once again I appreciate everything and look forward to seeing you again.” – Will Hill