When you don’t live by your own values and what lights you up, you then default to living by someone else’s values and this people pleasing ends up sapping the life right out of you. When you attempt to live your life for others at the sacrifice of your own fulfillment, resentment is the only conclusion. You think that if you do the things they like or say the things you think they want to hear it is going to bring you closer and connect you more deeply, but the opposite tends to happen. You unconsciously don’t respect yourself and start to become resentful of yourself and of your partner because you keep leaving yourself out of the equation. Your partner looses respect for you because you are not coming from the integrity of what you value, only being a ‘yes’ partner.
The more you attempt to please your partner while ignoring your own needs and desires, usually out of fear that you will loose him, the greater the feeling of being disconnected from yourself. Over time this proves to be a very painful and disempowered place to be. Ask yourself this, “Do you really want to be in a relationship where you feel you can’t share who you are, good and bad?” “Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to get to know you but only wants his needs met?”
A major sign of a healthy relationship is where you do not leave what you value behind but bring it forward and learn to weave it together with what your partner values. They also value you by learning to incorporate your interests into the relationship and is inspired by seeing how you two come together to create the life you want together.
Another powerful predictor of a successful relationship is to learn to feel vulnerable with your partner, especially with those parts of yourself where you may feel weak, disempowered, or ashamed. It is in these moments of vulnerable sharing where you make yourself available to be seen, connected to, and supported. You are giving your partner a chance to be strong and offer you their love and wisdom and you in turn can be loved, cared for and witnessed. There is immense strength and power in being vulnerable and the more you practice it, the more you will realize that it will not kill you but makes you stronger as it deepens and strengthens the relationship as well. If you keep your shadow side to yourself you loose out on some of the most powerful moments a relationship can have.
There is only one you; you are unique and truly special. You impact people in a distinctive and irreplaceable way. Whatever relationship you decide to get into, know that your partner is lucky to have you and you are fortunate to have them. You will be two unique souls coming together to create a life and a story together that hasn’t been created yet. Allow yourself to learn from your partner, even in those moments where you want to kill them or run away, for you won’t be able to learn from anyone else in the way they can teach you. And the same goes when they learn and grow from you.